Friend or Foe?

Everyone needs friends. Friendships form bonds that are impactful, they present opportunities to learn about ourselves and others. Friendships allow you to grow together and ultimately in many ways pair up like soulmates. Many of the types below can coexist within the same person. Many of these types can develop from negative to positive, positive to negative, or remain consistent in their roles. I’ve experienced all of them. I’ve been some myself.Below are some descriptors of what various friendships can look like, albeit there are more that are not explored in this piece. 

Intro: 

My mother always emphasized that it’s not good to be “amiguera” (overly friendly) because not all who are assumed to be friends actually are. This was hard for me to digest. I always looked forward to school just so I could see my friends and talk about everything and nothing. In my report card, the teachers always commented “very talkative and friendly”. They made me wear the Scarlett letter of being overly friendly. So of course, my mother would read the teachers’ comments and assume that I was talking to everyone and nobody at the same time. But I wasn’t. I was very particular about whom I befriended, I was very selective about what I shared, and I was very careful about whom I trusted with valuable information, I am still like this to this day. My particular friend group never exceeded more than three friends at a time. Another saying my mother would say “Not everyone is your friend-you’ll understand when you’re older”. She was not wrong.

*The Teacher

This one is hard to come by in childhood unless you encounter a very mature kid with good intentions. For all the bad rap Gen Z gets- they’re more likely to be this type of friend, if that child is being raised by emotionally mature parents of course. This kind of friend is the one that often will advise with the sole intent that you develop into a better version of yourself. They will be honest, bold, neutral in their tone, be there to listen and comfort, stay consistent, know when to give you space, encourage you, and hold you accountable to your moral code. They share their vulnerabilities and life experiences to pass on wisdom. 

I’ve always found this type of friendship in people who are older than me. They taught me how to be poise, commanding, stoic, successful, and consistent in personal growth. I value these friendships because they’ve provided mentorship in areas of finances, self-development, faith, and love. These friends have never told me “I told you so”, they’ve helped me prepare to anticipate conflict and arm me with tools to persevere. 

I remember when I became a teacher and was thrown into the profession with an arsenal of teaching theories, minimal experience, and zero support from my team. Being a first-year teacher is hard enough, but add two curriculums, combine honor roll, ESL, Special Ed, and Gen-Ed; that’s  90 different kids. I barely survived the first year. My team was mostly veteran older women teachers set in their teaching styles and rarely collaborated with me. I saw this as some “teacher test ritual” before they let you in the “cool group”. Needless to say, it was another teacher from a different department who mentored me. LK  (her initials) was a real one. She told you how it was, she is a type A person, speaks with conviction, proud, firm, direct, empathetic, and she’s a friggin goddamn good teacher. In all of that, she extended grace, patience, and advice. She helped me understand the nuances and politics within education, rationalized decision-making, and encouraged constant personal and professional growth. We bonded over many commonalities. I will always value her friendship. She is the epitome of what a teacher should be, I’m forever grateful to have met her and still miss her to this day. 

Don’t be confused, as much as a person is willing to teach, they also know that not everybody is deserving of this relationship.  Empathy can only run so deep for the unteachable.  This is not to say that ignorance is to be encouraged, but a teacher knows when the student has no motivation but to live in blissful ignorance, and that’s when the teacher walks away and life takes over the class. 

The more people you find that possess these qualities influence and encourage a metamorphosis of your own self, and the true success is when the student becomes the teacher themselves, that’s the real reward.  

*The Ideal Friend

Not all of my friendships have survived, but I like like the ideal friend. The ideal friend can eventually become a BFF, stay ideal, or cease to exist. This friend might be new to you and there might not be much “invested time”, but there is an understanding of acceptance, empathy, and respect. We might not talk to each other every day but when we do get together- there is no pause, no awkwardness, just good vibes. These friends are the ones you have simultaneous conversations via text and social media. You send each other memes, share personal details of your life, give advice, and come together to celebrate each other’s success. These friends maintain the mantra of “valuing time within the friendship”. However, there are times when it becomes bittersweet due to friends outgrowing each other or realizing there is an inequity in the friendship that cannot be remedied, therefore the logical path is to part ways with no ill feelings. As it is said, some people are here for just a season.

*The BFF

This friendship is one that started as ideal friends. Shared commonalities: interests, conflicts, heartbreaks, and growth, pretty much these are your A1 since Day 1, from the beginning of time. BFF borders almost with the positive sibling interaction. These are the friends with whom you experience every emotion; from disappointment to triumph. They have been with you through thick and thin, high and low.  They respond- no questions asked.  They are your soulmates, it’s a sisterhood. With this friend, there is TIME INVESTED. I say this in all caps to capture the tonality behind it. 

These are friends who have been in your life for years upon years, these are the friendships that withstand issues of competition, heartache, and life-changing events.  For me, these women are my blood sister and my non-blood sister who should have been my blood sister anyway. 

Ti has been in my life since we were teens just fresh into high school. We shared a lot. We grew up in the same neighborhood, went to the same school, and ran in the same circles, we fought, made up, got into so much trouble, shared secrets, encouraged each other, cried together, and rejoiced together. We both have maintained a friendship through heartbreaks, the birth of our kids, monumental purchases, and moves away from the old neighborhood. She just gets me, we look at each other with raised eyebrows and we have already conversed about everything and anything without saying an actual word.  We might be in different time zones but at the end of it all it’s always love. “Best Freeeennnn”

My hermana Shari was probably my arch nemesis from the time she was born until she was 12. Always tagged along, but was always down to keep my secrets when I was up to no good. After that, she transitioned from a bratty little sister to a confidante. She knows me in every aspect possible. We’ve evolved past the sibling relationship to BFF’s because we celebrate each other unapologetically, we’ve eliminated the hierarchy of age in order to develop our friendship. There is no superiority, there is no competition, and the only thing I’ve never outgrown was the, “you disrespect my sister and you gonna find out real quick”, that’s that older sister mentality. We’ve experienced our family together. We’ve learned that the odd, tumultuous, and dysfunctional sibling relationships we’ve seen in families are NOT what we ever want to embody nor applicable to our relationship.

These two women are the ones who know everything and anything. It’s safe to say that if I ever die-they will be in charge of the guest list. And they know that “if I didn’t fuck with you-you ain’t invited” lol. But in all seriousness what has propelled these friendships to evolve has been that we’ve learned to actively listen to each other, demonstrate empathy, cry with each other, encourage each other, and maintain accountability and sincerity above all. This is the type of friendship in which you don’t hold ill feelings because they tell you how it is. This is the type of friendship that a betrayal from them would be far more painful than from a romantic one.  

*The Enabler

This one is the ehh. The enabler in this context is the one that fosters negative behavioral patterns within you. They are not necessarily bad people but they are not comfortable in being truly honest about your vices. These are the friends that will almost enable you to have the same behavior they themselves possess. They indulge in honing in negative behavioral patterns as a way to bridge a friendship, very similar to the phrase; misery loves company. 

A clear example is often found at the high school level, but very much present into adulthood. They are the ones that encouraged behavior that you questioned as negative but they justified it through an irrational thought process. Example, “don’t go to class, I’m not gonna go either, see! great minds think alike-duh” 

In adulthood, these traits are more prevalent, they are deceitful and detrimental. These are the people that based on their own lifestyle will advise you against your own moral code. Example: You like two people, but you know that you only want to be committed to one person. You know your moral code is that dating two people at the same time is wrong. This friend will encourage you to date both of them under the pretense that it’s okay to be confused, and until you figure it out you should continue to date both people. 

These friendships are detrimental to personal growth. They will enable negative choice behavior that will keep you stagnant and ignorant. This is a disguised friendship that doesn’t add value to your life, and sometimes it causes great loss in your romantic life, finances, and faith. Eliminate. Eliminate. Eliminate.  

*The Envious

This “friend” goes hand in hand with the “betrayer”. This friend acts like a friend and has the potential of good qualities, but something is off. The best way to grasp the idea of who this person is is to analyze their interactions with you. Think about how competitive they are but with only the possibility of only ONE winner at the top. This friend gives you backhand compliments, always looking to one-up you, projects their insecurities on you, belittles your accomplishments, doesn’t celebrate you, or looks to only gain benefits from you but can’t be reciprocal in the same manner. 

Example: 

You get a promotion: “what did you do to get it?”

You try on 50+ tops “That shirt is cute, but it will look better if you had better cleavage”

The best way to summarize this friend is; they want you to be good, BUT never better than them. They will never be that friend that will pour into your cup, you will be left exhausted and disappointed. Cut your losses and cut them out. They live in a constant state of keeping up with the Joneses. They attempt to replicate YOU, but come off short because baybee the original is always better than the copy.  Toxic. Toxic. Toxic

*The Betrayer

Might as well be Satan’s spawn itself. This friendship will hold nothing of value. They are disguised as individuals who pry for information and hold nothing sacred. This person will use your vulnerabilities to become vindictive for their own sense of power. Their ego is founded on holding your insecurities in a position of power, and like a thief in the night, the stab will come silently. They establish a friendship with you while romanticizing a moral code of a genuine friendship and then go against everything they ever said they wouldn’t be or do. They have ill intentions, they gaslight you, play mind games, create insecurities, demoralize you, and deplete your self-worth, it’s borderline narcissistic. They will not show genuine remorse instead they will rationalize their behavior by placing blame on you. 

Example: You confide about your relationship problems and they act sympathetic. They’ll take all that information and go behind your back and verbatim tell your significant other everything that you’ve said, add more, add lies to it. Next thing you know they cut you off and take your significant other. Months later you get an invite to their baby shower.

Thankfully to my hyper-vigilance, I’ve never come across this type of friendship. Oh but have I seen my friends go through some shit with people like this. Run away and don’t look back.  

*Pillars of Friendship 

Everybody has a different mantra of what defines a friendship, but everybody should have an understanding that friendships are not about counting favors, they are about bringing value to your life. 

My pillars have not really changed, but my patience for people who can’t uphold them has. I am not a young 21-year-old so therefore my boundaries and limitations are clear in friendships. I am not cynical- I value my time and serenity, and if it doesn’t serve me I cut it out faster before they even realize it. I don’t lose sleep over people that don’t add value to my life. 

My pillars in friendship are:

Honesty

Caring 

Loyalty

Accountability

I value friendships where honesty is valued even when it’s not what you want to hear. I will stand 10 toes down on what I say. I don’t back-peddle on what I say, and I expect the same energy back. The point of being honest is never with the intent to hurt egos, is to be direct about an issue that will allow a space of discomfort that leads to understanding and growth.

To be caring is to always want the most positive outcome for you. When you need that extra hand, I got you. In friendships, you see kindness in, acts of service and words of affirmation.

To establish loyalty is to maintain allegiance to the friendship. If you can’t maintain your strength I will step in to guard you and show out for you. Often people confuse this with being there and enabling bad behavior; that’s a fallacy of the trait. 

Accountability is core to the friendship. A friendship cannot develop and flourish if you can’t admit your flaws in the friendship and remedy them. You have to stand and own your shit and apologize if you’ve tainted the friendship. 

*Self-reflection

Different chapters in my life have propelled me to be the enabler, the ideal, the teacher, and the bff. 

I’ve been that enabler friend that has enjoyed getting into crazy shit, rationalized it that if I influenced others to hop on to my sinking ship with me; at least we’ll sink together but we’ll have fun drowning. That was definitely a moment in my life when I only lived in the “now”. I had negative behavioral patterns that I often advertised as unpredictable and joyful.  I encouraged people to join into my life of poor choices in hopes we’ll live through some wild shit together, and we did, and sometimes we paid for it in unforeseeable ways. Sometimes I got resistance from my friends where some logic crept in them and then I’ll say something to the effect “Did you have fun? Did you die? So then what’s the problem! Man the fuck up”.  As a teenager, there was no greater danger than me and my ego, being the enabler friend that I was,  I put my people in unsafe situations. I feel remorse for those friendships that I have tainted and as an adult that’s a hard pill to swallow.  

But through trial and error, life-changing events, karmic moments, and personal growth I’ve learned that time is limited and that friendships are reciprocal and sacred. Not everyone has your best interest at heart, we are all flawed in different ways, but it’s about finding people who can genuinely allow you to feel discomfort, love, and consistency, that is what propels friendships.

Take Inventory of Yourself:

So, what type of friend are you?

How do people perceive you?

What behavioral patterns can you identify in yourself, are they detrimental or beneficial?

How many friends do you have?

Are these people really your friends?

What binds your friendships?

How long have you been invested in these friendships?