Boundaries

Boundaries are lines drawn in the sand to limit chaos from disrupting our peace. How consistent we are in our boundaries equates to the turmoil and peace we have in our lives. 

What are they?

Boundaries are limits that create or distance the favorable and unfavorable forces from our own space. To some who have taken the time to reflect, boundaries are an asset to their well-being that serves as protection iron bars against imposition from others.  I prefer to define it as something that bounds me from the unfavorable that attempts to access and take away my serenity with disruption.  

Who are they in place for?

Everyone and anybody who attempts or creates turmoil in our lives.  And when I mean everyone and anybody; it includes associates, friends, and even family, yes-I said family.  The top two offenders are family and friends, and yes that is the disappointment; family and friends will impose on your serenity, peace, and tranquility (yes used almost all the synonyms to emphasize the message) without any regard or consideration for you and your wellbeing. The kicker is, family and friends are entitled to feel that because they are family or friends they are warranted to cross boundaries over and over again. The term “family” gets thrown around as a way to emphasize “family over everything”, the notion sounds noble, but it hides the ugly truth of selfishness, entitlement, and even at times abuse. Again, not all families are like this, but many are. The families we are born into, the families we create, the families we marry into.  

I have a dear friend who after ending a relationship, took the time to sit with her experience and did the work to analyze herself and those that surrounded her. Through the process, she was able to attain the tools to recognize the signs in other people who crossed boundaries over and over again. She recognized the language, the intention, and the tonality people used was eerily similar to that of her ex. It was always someone intentionally depicting unhealthy behavior, never apologizing, glossing over the severity of the turmoil they caused her. They continued to feel entitled to her space, time, and energy. Her ability to recognize this pattern of behavior led her to implement boundaries she never thought she could, no longer were these behaviors considered acceptable or viewed as “normal”, and she started to have discussions that led to boundaries. All of a sudden people were up in arms choosing to feel “offended”. She was explicit in telling people “You will not say, act, or impose onto my life…” At first, she was neutral in her stance, but she was gaslighted, then she distanced herself, finally when approached again she had a level of stoicism of, “out of mind, out of sight, hit stage left and bounce”.  By no means was her intention to change those people, but to change the access of her life from those who felt entitled to disrupt her peace. 

Where do you apply this principle?

You apply this principle in the moment. The moment you come to impose onto my life and attempt to shake my foundation with chaos is when I draw the line. I much rather be the villain and not be in the same space than taint my energy because you are trying to seep through. Apply it in social gatherings, and family events, when people ask; say “enough-no”, and stay firm in your conviction. 

I was present for this one, and if there ever was a learning moment here from my mother to me, this was it.  There was an exchange of words between my mom and one of her sister-in-laws’. At this point, my mother had turned her cheek numerous times and allowed herself to compromise her serenity by being in spaces with other women who spoke ill of her behind her back, she did this to appease my father.  Latino culture can be very patriarchal, and it is often affirmed in our upbringing that a man leads, even when the leadership is skewed and leads to oblivion, but I digress. I remember that day she was laughing and enjoying the company of her children and her sister (my favorite auntie). From my recollection, my mom was hoping to call my cousin who lived around the way so my aunt could see him.  She placed the phone call and so happened the “sister-in-law” whom she had friction with already happened to be there, and picked up the phone. Words were exchanged, and there was a comment made about someone’s mother, my mother’s mother (insert gasp). Needless to say, my momma said something along the lines of “When I see you have the same energy”. The next thing I knew, she put on her flip-flops, tied her hair, and said “I’ll be back!”.  I was a hypervigilant anxious child, so seeing her move in fast paces almost sent me into a panic attack. She left and I looked at my aunt and said, “You have to go get her, she’s going over there!”. My aunt in slow motion couldn’t register what had just occurred. My mom made it to my aunt’s house, rang the bell, and covered the peephole, once the door was ajar, she busted in like the Kool-Aid Man, pushed another family member out of the way, and threw herself atop the sister-in-law and gave her a right hook to the eye with a slight choke to the neck. She had to be separated and brought back home by my aunt. She came back unscathed and her lips puckered and went into a monologue of “fuck this, fuck that”, she had no fucks left to give. She called my dad and told him what had happened and he knew at this point his best reaction was no reaction. My dad barely got a foot in the door and all she did was look at him. That look was all she needed to convey boundaries that were now in places she never thought she could implement because of family politics. I don’t condone violence and I can understand when too much turning the cheek often is invalidated, but seeing my mother set a boundary was necessary to set the tone for how other family members interacted with her and for myself to observe that sometimes a hard “enough” is necessary to keep your peace. 

When do you apply them?

The moment that person attempts to gaslight, lack accountability, and victimize themselves. No one is a miracle worker and some might try but you can teach those who don’t want to learn. There isn’t enough space, time, or energy to disburse into an empty person. You can’t pour onto others at the expense of your tank running on empty. See ya, and as my friend says, “They can go to hell in a handbasket”

Two women had a friendship, a lot of history, and shared experiences. A friendship from young adulthood that ran its course due to different philosophies about life and accountability. One friend attempted to understand the other and be an empathetic ear. The issue is when one recognizes that effort and goodwill can only go so far. So many discussions about “make better choices…I see your potential…I advise that…” Only to be met with resistance, a lack of accountability, and victimization which led the friendship to run its course. There were many conversations, words of encouragement, and patience, but consistently this led to one person being microaggressive as a result of their insecurities. I remember saying to her, “You can see all the potential in the world, but if there is no effort made on their behalf it’s a losing battle. Have you been a good friend? Have you been empathetic? Have you been supportive? It’s above you now”  One walked away disappointed but at peace, with her hands clean for the years of being a supportive friend, even when it wasn’t reciprocated. 

Why is there a need to apply them?

Notice the difference between a want and a need, food, water, and shelter are survival needs, for me, my needs are a bit more expansive.  In addition to my normal survival needs, I also have intangible needs; like peace. Once I notice the person is not wanting to move out of a space of discomfort even when aided, I have to create distance.  I just don’t have the bandwidth to overextend myself for somebody else when it’s rejected. I am too aware to waste away and take away from things and people that I have built meaningful foundations with, to focus on others who for pure refusal and tantrums don’t want to evolve. Misery loves company and the longer you stay around misery, the more that seeps into your life.  

I have had many experiences but presently two are more prominent because it only reaffirms why boundaries are important. They are both familial, one was a bit more personal because this was decades of seeing the potential and attempting to apply effort that was never in my control, let alone my responsibility. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when I tried to make them aware of people who did not have their best interests at heart.  I made my points and argued with evidence, it escalated to screams, hurt egos, and threats. I had to look from the outside and see the effect it was having on me and the number of years with the same conflict with no different result. It pained me to establish this boundary because I’ve always felt responsible to protect, aid, and nurture the best way I can, but I could no longer continue to be depleted only to relive the same experience over and over again. Through all that fighting, I walked away, very directly establishing a boundary and the reason for it, we were not on speaking terms for at least two years, besides the occasional “hi and bye”. Slowly we have started to catch up here and there, but it’s above me now. And sometimes it is just that, you have to love people from afar. I am very happy and taken back to find peace in my decision then. The growth I’ve seen from this person not only makes me happy, but I’m proud of them, their growth, and their continued perseverance to face life and obstacles from a different perspective. I can’t exert effort into someone by force because I see their potential when they don't see it themselves, sometimes creating distance brings clarity and if the love is there it will bridge us together. 

The other experience is just disappointing but uncertain. I was cautious to even attempt some relation with this person based on several experiences with them. I was annoyed at certain behaviors they would have but credited it to a lack of maturity because of their age. I do hold myself to always being “a girl’s girl”, and with that sentiment, I saw potential, I resonated with the conflicts they were dealing with, offered sound advice, and words of empowerment, and tried to be neutral and unbiased. I allowed entrance into my sanctuary, all of that to no avail. As level-headed as I’ve become some things are just not justifiable. My ability to be level-headed goes out the window once it has become a direct or indirect effect on my family, especially my children (my boys are my Achilles’ heel- there is little rationality when that is threatened). I still don’t understand to this day what triggered this person to put on display issues between them and their significant other while in the presence of my family. As if I was not already feeling a sense of the twilight zone in my living room, that person began to then turn their episode of delusion towards me. My children are not raised or exposed to turmoil, so therefore whatever grace and empathy was granted before, it’s no longer available. The Lord is good, and by the grace of God and my husband’s quick thinking is what stopped me from coming out of character at the most disrespectful pearl-clutching remark from that person’s mouth. That’s the “Aha moment” I needed to understand that a boundary needed, but not in place could cause your character to be compromised. An old version of myself I no longer was, could be projected as a result of someone else, nope, not here.  Days later I received an “apology”, I accepted it and turned the page. Forgiveness is for the person who has done the transgression. Forgiveness works only if there is a behavior change, that’s called accountability. I forgave but there was no change in this person, the intentionality and malice behind their words about other people in the family was disappointing. The continuous toxic and harmful behavior towards others was the confirmation I needed to say “No reentry”. From a woman's perspective, this is the most recent boundary I have established. For a while, the “girls girl” in me felt guilty taking away that friendship, but I don’t feel guilty for removing my and my children’s presence from someone who has no regard for anyone. I understand why other family members choose to have a relationship with that person, and that is just that. I don’t share the same perspective, on my behalf,  a continued bond with that person will only propel their sense of entitlement, delusions, and a lack of safety for those around them. I’ll die on this hill, “Before you, is me and mine, always has and always will be” If that makes me the bad guy, then I will be the archetype of a villain. I will attest that sometimes people need to go through what they need to go through at their own pace, but by no means does that mean taking away from the peaceful foundation I’ve created for myself and my family.

There is far more discussion about boundaries amongst the new generations, predominantly millennials. The old-school mentality often uses the noble idea of family loyalty to evade accountability and keep a sense of togetherness amongst people who are disingenuous because of the genetic makeup that binds us or the last names we marry into. As a millennial mom, I preach to my sons that togetherness in friendships and families is built on authenticity, accountability, reciprocity, and change. There should be no guilt for implementing boundaries for our well-being. I leave you with this:

If you had implemented the most important boundary before, how much more peaceful and different had your life been then versus now?